Elysha snatched the phone resting on my right thigh faster than I can even blink. My annoyed glare is no match for the scolding her icy blue eyes return. So I just sigh and pout for the rest of the class. Usually she is the cause of my phone vibration. Even when she’s with me, she constantly feels the need to have our private conversations. I secretly allow it because it keeps her comments away from surrounding listeners getting hurt feelings.
I didn’t realize how much I was staring at the clock until it turns one and students jump up and file out of the room. Elysha drags me out of the room by my arm instead of her usual nail grip to the ear, which I’m secretly thankful for. “Quit stalling we are going to mine to sort this out.” she huffs without even looking back at me. Other students stare at our seemingly cruel one street friendship, but we call it tough love.
On the way to her dorm room, my phone buzzes again so I finally decide to open the HIM app to investigate. Even with all of the messages I’d been getting since that first Alliance meeting, I hadn’t opened any of the messages until now.
I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Well, I did have one in middle school for two weeks, but that doesn’t really count looking back as a 19 year old. Shuffling into my first semester in college, everyone was dumbfounded to hear 19 year old eternally single human still exists nowadays. Dating apps are like the new Facebook for a college student and I came to learn that fact very quickly.
When I walked into the first meeting as a quiet freshman in the only club I chose, I was introduced to a popular dating app called “HIM.” My new automatic friends decided that I needed to at least have a profile. I honestly doubted I’d actually use it because I’m hopeless and an app probably can’t even improve my love life. The first meeting quickly turned into a mini photoshoot for my new HIM profile. Why not? First year of college is always filled with firsts for everyone. Plus, I’ve never had someone to love me to the point of real love. I want someone to love me back the way I love them, more than anything. What could go wrong by finding that person online? It’s probably easier to be honest. My new friends glossed me up real nice and tied me in a bow before setting me loose to the dating scene.
One specific message catches my eye now as we walk back and it comes from a picture labeled with the name: Harden. The preview starts with, “I think you’re…” A warmness inside me flows all around which somehow encourages me to tap my thumb on the curly haired man in the tiny square picture. The full message reads, “I think you’re absolutely lovely, Thomas.” With that, I can’t control the smile pulling at the corner of my lips. I quickly conceal it before Elysha sees. Nobody will know unless this advances further. When I’m sure Elysha isn’t looking, I glance back down at my phone, screen tilted away to reply.
“Thank you, Harden.” I reply while biting my lip and then quickly scan his profile once more. Harden’s profile explained that he was six foot tall man seeking men. His job was located at the fancy sounding business that I didn’t bother looking up. Interests included: cat person, The Temptations, and rainy days.
The similarity there drew me in more, but the number holding the age slot set me aback. Little old 18-year-old me had never had it crossed my mind what would come from a love interest more than five years older. Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about a love interest, period. I’ve always been a little “curvier” as Elysha would lightly describe. My eczema also isn’t the most appealing thing either to other people. Well, at least I think that would be the case. I can’t imagine someone being attracted to rashes. But I’m not gonna lie, the age difference lit up the parts of me my overbearing mother desperately tried to hide. I’m on my in college now and I need to live a little, right?
The pictures he provided included a lot of him outside hiking or camping I assume with family. As I was examining the last photo, the first closeup photo showing off his caramel curls and dimpled cheeks popped up.
“You’re very welcome, love. Tell me all about you.” Harden’s new message replied. So I went in listing off my age, school and anything else that I could quickly tell him. “Nice. But I’d like to know about the real you. Not just what you want to do for a living.” He replied straight after mine.
This started a school-year-long chain of messages about the real stuff. I felt like I got to know him better than any of my friends and he got to know me; specifically our insecurities and daily struggles. This virtual shoulder seemed like all I needed at the time.
About halfway through that time, I sadly got another bad haircut. To the outside viewer, I might be over-dramatic when I hide away from the world after a hairdresser doesn’t impress me. This nightmare has only happened a few times since I graduated from only scissors to clippers. My hair is the only thing I have going for me, in my mind. So when was left crying in my car after an appointment, I automatically opened my phone to the easily accessible virtual shoulder.
“I’m ugly. Why do you even like me, H?”
“What’s gotten into you?” Harden’s message pops up almost instantly as if he’d been sitting there waiting for me to talk. “I thought I remind you every day how much I like you, including your looks.” reads the rest of the message. Before I can even finish reading that message, he sends another. “Mostly because you ask me every day..” But I kind of brush past that second message.
“I got another bad haircut.. I look like an egg.”
“Eggs are great!” he says which triggers the beginnings of a slight smile in me.
“I’m allergic to eggs.” I reply and I can feel the eye roll he’s giving me on the other side of the screen.
“Show me the cut.” he demands which I refuse, but he’s persistent. When I finally send a photo to him on Snapchat of just my hair, hiding my face. I’m hopeful when he seemingly changes the subject.
“Can I be personal for a moment?” Harden asked suddenly after a string of dad jokes to cheer me up. Since I’m the number one best person to listen to hard times, I agree.
“Of course. What’s up, love?” I reply, almost nonchalantly as I sit finally in my dorm room alone.
“First, you’re a beautiful human being; inside and out.” He starts which warms my heart. “You are always there for me. You’ve stuck by me through my anxiety spurts and me pushing you away. Thank you.” Harden starts in one message and my screen has three little dots on it for a few minutes. I take this opportunity to get a reply in.
“Of coarse love. I’m here.”
“I hope so.. Because I love you.” he replies finally and my eyes widen. This message causes me to choke on my water which leads to a coughing fit. Even though I stare at the message all night, I don’t reply. How can I reply when I’m not sure I feel the same way. I’ve maybe found that one person I’ve been looking for but the problem is that we haven’t even met in person yet. Everything I’ve been taught is pointing to real relationships being with in-person support. A personal, physical bond must be stronger than a virtual one that could be easily deleted at any moment. Maybe I should go back to following my mind. My mind is full the whole night, mulling over what I should do. I don’t reply until the next day in class with a large coffee in my hand.
“Sorry I didn’t reply last night. I just never thought someone would say those words to me and mean it.” I decide to pull together in a reply. “Do you mean it?”
“Of course.” Harden replies instantly which warms my blood and wakes me up more than the java has been.
“I love you too.” I reply without even thinking. My eyes fill with hearts and the details of the room sink into my mind forever. “Can we maybe meet in person before we make this official, though?”
“A date next Friday sound okay?” Harden asks which is followed by a smiling emoticon the app provides in the keyboard. “I’ve been wanting to take you out.”
“Sounds great!” I say, but I’m shaking on the inside. What will this night hold?
When next Friday doesn’t seem like an eternity away, I finally decide to tell Elysha what I’m doing. It’s not like a really have a choice anyways; she insisted on doing her homework for the day at my dorm room.
“What are you getting all dolled up for, mr? We are going to the movies tonight.” she huffed, not looking up from her laptop. Her bright blue acrylic nails have been tapping away since three in the afternoon.
“I got a date.” I reply simply as if it’s common fact. Elysha’s reaction isn’t one made for common fact.
“A what?” she practically screamed, slamming her laptop screen shut. Poor thing. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to tell you about him until I knew it might be lasting.”
“Fair play. Tell me all about him!”
“So his name is Harden.” I start off to explain until my phone buzzes in the back pocket of my floral jeans.
“Meet me at Java Bean in ten.” Harden’s message reads and grin back up at Elysha.
“I’ll explain later, but I have to go! Love you!” I chime and kiss Elysha’s cheek before running out the door, not giving her room to hold me back.
When I get to the coffee shop on time, Harden isn’t anywhere to be seen. Instead of letting myself worry right off, I convince myself that he’s probably just stuck in traffic. After ten minutes of sitting by myself past the ten minute meeting time, I decide to get myself a latte to kill some time. The latte is finished slowly in case I soon have a guest. But ten more minutes pass which drags my hope down with it.
“Where are you?” I decide to text Harden. No response for ten more minutes. Even if he did show up, I would not be a happy camper.
“Why do you always treat people like crap?” Harden questions in his text response which catches me off guard.
“What do you mean? I thought I was always pretty nice to say the least.” I reply while chewing on my bottom lip.
“Oh. I guess it’s just the way you talk.”
“How do I talk?”
“It’s kind of condescending. I’d quit speaking to me if I were you.” Harden replies and he may as well had come over to slap me in the face without context or contact ever again.
“What? I thought you loved me.” Tears fill my eyes and I can’t help but run to the bathroom with the whole shop watching. Several more messages from me come unanswered so I turn to Snapchat. Luckily, Snapchat was the one to open my eyes to the situation. Snaps don’t send to a user that has blocked you.
If you’ve never experienced cruel heartbreak, it’s kind of like waking up from a lucid dream to face reality. In the dream, everything is sugar coated and perfectly how you want it. That’s why it’s a dream. But when you finally wake up, your memory floods back.
The worst feelings in life come on suddenly without warning. The worst things in life aren’t explained. They aren’t polished and tied up in a nice little bow like my profile. That’s why they are the worst things and that’s why hearts break. One string of support can be pulled and send everything else crashing down. However, I can’t bring myself to regret this experience.
