KAIT.
I like how suspenseful this story is starting to be and I’m excited to see where you may take this with future revision. I really loved some of your descriptions like the shadows of the trees as well as the difficult things to see being burned into her retinas. That really paints a specific picture for the reader to see what the character is feeling. However, I mentioned a few parts where you could be a little bit more descriptive by showing rather than telling. Like using more senses like smell to flesh out the setting. There isn’t much detail at that part and having the character imagine a sunny day is confusing. Maybe make explicit what the setting is like at the present moment for the character and maybe explain what setting the character would be more relaxed. Speaking of that, your flashbacks seem to really overlap with the main story. What I mean by this is that at times, I couldn’t really tell when you were flashing back. Especially at the part with the two men. Was it a flashback or was the incident happening again? I’d make this more clear. One final little suggestion is to look at where you could break up some sentences. I noticed a bunch of run-ons.
DELANEY.
First off, I wanna compliment you on choosing a specific voice for your character. It really made me connect with them more closely because I could imagine what kind of person would speak this way; very conversational. Some of your descriptive words were cleaver, like how the horrible smell that was there in the warmer months was frozen in the winter. Nice! However, I’d maybe think about how a calm river without anything in its actual sounds versus one that’s the opposite like you mentioned on the first page. Describe, don’t tell. Later on, on page 5, you say that the narrator sitting down made Herb feel more comfortable. Maybe show that character tenser before so there is an actual measurable shift in his behavior now that he’s seated. That way the claim is backed up. I like how you tried to use an analogy for the way his insides felt, however, it was really confusing to me; especially in the beginning. I wasn’t quite sure what you were going for there. Did he use to work there? Other than that, I’m excited to see where this develops. I’d like to know more about his past.
SINEAD.
Honestly, I had a hard time at first looking for suggestions to help you improve your story. I really like how you switch your perspective between two sides of the same situation. The ones with the woman in the house were a little repetitive though. Also, are they all within one night? Or different nights? However, I liked how on page 2, you shifted the mood swiftly from tense to calm and relaxed. At the part where Jay is warning her to not go into the room with the couple, I feel like there should be more urgency in his manner. He seems like he’s just telling her to not comment on what he’d stolen. That would allude more to what would happen next. After that, the woman wakes. Is there a sound that wakes her up? That might disorient the reader more to match the feeling of the woman more. Along with explaining Jay’s expressions, you say he’s enjoying the fuck up. What does his face look like? Finger to his lips smirking? Or is he scared too? I’m unsure about the red couch thing at the end. Did she trip over it or were they trying to take it? I’d make the significance of talking about that object more clearly. I’m super excited to read more. Hopefully, the rest talks more about the backstory of the characters?
ADAM.
I love how the personality of your narrator is really apparent and shows throughout the story. How he’s depressed and scared because of his past, but also frustrated with his same old lonely routine. Also love the concept as a whole. I sense some serious character development in the future of this story. The fact that you revealed the incident with his son in a flashback was very effective. I’d love to know more about the relationship between Sammy and the main character. It must be deeper than you let on since he went straight into his house the night of the whale beaching. Maybe frame the development of this relationship in a flashback? Right now he just seems like a nosey neighbor that doesn’t have much significance in the story. Is he the only person the narrator really has? On page 7, you mention that he keeps picturing his son, but what does he see specifically? I feel like if you send the reader back into parts of this scene, it will be more jarring and real.
