SARA.
This story is about a model that recieved a lot of head trauma from an accident and thus needs facial reconstruction surgery. She is dealing with the repercussions of this on her career. This guy character comes into her life and is ultimately meant to give her a more positive outlook on her future as a possible writer? First off, I really like this character and how he’s basically a positive beam of light in this dark story. However, I’d love to see how their relationship develops more and how that relationship changes Beatrix’s outlook. I would develop your characters more too. The mom and dad are especially flat charaters. I can’t really tell if the mother is really caring and concerned about her daugther but she seems matter of fact and stand-off-ish. Maybe make that relationship more clear? I’d also love to know more about the dad since it seems like you’re alluding to a close relationship there.
MACKAY.
Your story is about this character named Vicky that has a long past of combat and lives for that combat. A little boy was kidnapped so his parents hired Vicky to find him and bring him back home to them safely. The story is all about the journey to get there and how he gets the boy back. I loved the aspect that you included with the wolves. At first I was confused about the connection between that and the rest of the story, but the fact that you linked back to it throughout was nice. It showed how the main character was relying on his animalistic/primal instincts to survive. I would, however, suggest that you go through and take another look at your paragraph/sentence structure. You have many run on sentences that use commas when there could be a period so look at those again. As for the paragraphs, having them all long like that can really confuse the reader and cause them to get lost in the words. Maybe try reading it out loud to catch where you are shifting focus and that’s where you need a paragraph break.
